So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
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There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio