It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
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Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
sigh
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.