Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
You Might Also Like
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
This is my emotional support knife.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
The honesty is refreshing
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
This was my dad’s browser history.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens