Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
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Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME