If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
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Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.