buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
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[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8