“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
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We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
lol
This fish is cracking me up
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
yea so i messed up lol
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.