My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
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Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?