if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
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Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri