wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
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“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*