One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
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Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
A Short Story.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?