tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
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If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Strangers have the best candy.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”