A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
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– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.