[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
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If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
mom had nothing to worry about
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone