If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
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Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
saving face 👀
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop