*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
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LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!