OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
You Might Also Like
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I think we should hear other voices.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
lmfao
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.