Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
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Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.