In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
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Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I don’t share cheese on the first date.