Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
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ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Tough love is true love