I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
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i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
#gardening
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.