I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
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In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I identify as an antique shop.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.