Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
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I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
And bowling should be called pinball
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
when dads have a rap battle
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.