Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
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The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Always 🥴
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.