Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
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Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison