The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
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When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?