127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
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If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit