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I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
The Compass
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
WWE is French for “yes”
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
okay run it by me one more time
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Check out the legs on this baby
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a