4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
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CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
War & Peace
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.