Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
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Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.