Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
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If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Very problematic
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware