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[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.