If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
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Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
How does one answer this?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.