I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
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My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends