ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
You Might Also Like
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot