I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
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We’re all getting idioter.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
This 4th of July, please remember…
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.