Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
You Might Also Like
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.