Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
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[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
mariah carrie
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”