(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
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Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”