Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
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I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Herpes is trending, good job people
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”