[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
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Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*