Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
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yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS