No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
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Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.