15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
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If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
#NeverForget
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa