If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
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Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.