Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
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I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.