“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
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A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Green is just blue that someone peed in
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.