I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
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We’ve all been there…
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
ok this is my dumbest yet
Buying a well is money well spent.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no