i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
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You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected