Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
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When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Just how popey was the pope today?
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀